Acknowledge the Darkness, Then Let It Go.

In the depths of darkness, in black holes of inner and outer space there are black holes and tiny threads and points of light.

In the depths of darkness, in black holes of inner and outer space there are black holes and tiny threads and points of light.

Again, I am writing after meditation, again writing about what comes up during this sacred time. Meditation has become a significant part of my work, my journey of healing my soul and heart. Before I go further into what came up during this morning’s meditation, I want Pema Chodron’s words to set the tone:

“The safest and most nurturing place to begin working this way is during formal meditation. On the cushion, we begin to get the hang of not indulging or repressing and what it feels like to let the energy just be there. That is why it’s so good to meditate every single day and continue to make friends with our hopes and fears again and again. This sows the seeds that enable us to be more awake in the midst of everyday chaos. It’s a gradual awakening, and it’s cumulative, but that’s what actually happens. We don’t sit in meditation to become good meditators. We sit in meditation so that we’ll be more awake in our lives.”

Trying to stay afloat amid the hell of chaos with the fingers of the dark past trying to drag one's soul into dark chaos.

Trying to stay afloat amid the hell of chaos with the fingers of the dark past trying to drag one’s soul into dark chaos.

Everyday chaos – when chaos entered in the past, especially anything that had anything to do with re-emerging memories of my past involving physical, verbal, emotional and sexual abuse which was part of my being a child and youth; I typically responded with a sharp descent into darkness, depression and irrational behaviours. Meditation has allowed me to find some balance allowing me to become more and more present in everyday life. It doesn’t get rid of the past. But, it has allowed me to co-exist better with the facts of that past.

Inside our heads we tread on so many memories, thoughts that pull us to indulge or to escape - and we risk being right here, right now in the real world.

Inside our heads we tread on so many memories, thoughts that pull us to indulge or to escape – and we risk being right here, right now in the real world.

Yesterday evening, I received a message that gave me more information, more mental images of my own life in childhood chaos. I found out more about my mother and her father and how all of that would in turn swirl around me as first grandchild and first child. I was initially shocked, shaken and tears again fell – tears of relief actually as finally there was another voice confirming what I had remembered, confirming that they were not false memories. And, it gave me some needed understanding, especially with regard to my mother.

This morning in meditation, without intention on my conscious part, new images of mother and child began to emerge. Rather than flee in disgust and crumble into a depression of self-hate, I continued to look at the images as I have been learning through meditation. I was learning how to stay safely in my boat as I rode through the hell that sought to pull me into its embrace like the image above taken from the movie, “What Dreams May Come.”

“How we stay in the middle between indulging and repressing is by acknowledging whatever arises without judgment, letting the thoughts simply dissolve, and then going back to the openness of this very moment. That’s what we are actually doing in meditation. Up come these thoughts, but rather than squelch them or obsess with them, we acknowledge them and let them go.”

As I got up from the cushion this morning, I returned to a real morning, in a real house, in a real relationship. The images and thoughts were let go and I am again at peace and breathing with ease.

About A Naturist's Lens

I am a therapist that focuses on the use of active imagination, photograph, dreamwork and Jungian Psychology in order to uncover the whole person hidden beneath layers of personae, complexes and clothing.

Posted on December 31, 2013, in Jungian Psychology. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I thought I had commented on your very honest recognition of what really happens , at least with me , last night . I was feeling really anxious – in the lobby of the hotel – where I never expected to be under circumstances that very grim – at best – described my situation at that time . My weekend at my childhood home with my abusive father convinced me that I really , really did have an awful time there – and with him . His behavior , while it is understandably , some portion of his dementia , was also predictably , exactly how he regarded me as a child and adolescent and I can see clearly now that no portion of these often violent and abusive exchanges were ever precipitated by me or anything I did . I became more aware as I got older that I was manipulated into these terrible fights and learned to not engage . What I did not realize then but do now is the great lengths he was/is willing to go to bring about these destructive results . It is truly frightening now – so then as a child – I must have been terrorized by the force of his will . I have never know anyone who had such a deep rage like this except years ago when I worked at the State Hospital and there it could be understood within that context and more or less managed . But here /now /it’s personal / it’s history / and I really do want to let it go .

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