Monthly Archives: April 2012
Today’s photo was borrowed from a site that talks about how young males were castrated in order to be able to sing the treasured female voices in the papal choir during the eighteenth century. Most of this was done with parental consent in hopes that the honour of being in the papal choir would help take the family out of poverty. Sacrifice. We tend to sacrifice our children.
However, this post isn’t about castrati, it is about how men psychologically castrate themselves in hopes that they become more lovable. In today’s world, being masculine is viewed through a distorted lens. Too many years of crude, rude, and violent patriarchal rule has left a sour taste in the modern psyche with regards to men and male sexuality. Today we teach our male children to be a kinder type of person. Young men now willingly help with childraising, housework and being involved in the lives of the women they marry. They abandon male friendships and become best friends with their female partners. However, somewhere along the way, they lose something integral to being male and the women in their lives let them know it. “Where are your balls?” is heard by these men who have tried so hard to be the perfect man for the treasured magical other, their mate.
I am bringing another quote from Robert Glover’s book called No More Mr. Nice Guy here that I found to help me understand a bit more of who I am and how I got this way:
“Due to their family and social conditioning, Nice Guys tend to seek the approval of women. Even as they are trying to become what they believe what women want them to be and doing what they believe what women want them to do, Nice Guys tend to experience tremendous frustration in gaining the approval the so intensely desire.
This frustration is due to the reality that, in general, women view men who try to please them as weak and hold these men in contempt. Most women do not want a man who tries to please them – they want a man who knows how to please himself. Women consistently share with me that they don’t want a passive, pleasing wimp. They want a man – someone with his balls intact.” (page 97)
Yet, how in this modern world does a man grow his balls back? The answer isn’t easy, nor does it guarantee much in the way of keeping a relationship that is wounded, wounded in part because a man ceased being a man will balls. The task demands that we begin to honour self, to believe that in taking care of oneself, one is actually making it easier for others to connect with ourselves. When we focus so much on others, being there for them, anticipating, consoling, giving, placating, providing, protecting – all the things that sound good but when taken to the point that it tells others that we think they are so weak and fragile and helpless: there is a natural tendency to push back by the others. Do we retreat and try more subtle approaches to pleasing, or do we get the message.
Our partners deserve to believe in their own strength, to know that they are capable and independent people who chose to be in relationship. Our partners deserve to have a partner who is capable and independent who chose to bring the full self into the relationship with them. And, in the real picture, the full s